The Amish Doll: Amish Knitting Novel (Bonus Knitting Pattern Included) (13 page)

“Merry Christmas, Joshua. Eb made this breakfast for you all.”

Joshua gave her a concerned look. “
Danki
. Are you alright?”

“Fine. I’m just fine. Would like to see Susanna before she leaves, just a short visit?”

Joshua stepped back to let her in. Timmy and Cliffy sat at the table. “Merry Christmas, boys.”

“Merry Christmas, Miss Meadows,” they said at the same time, mouths full of food.

Raven would normally give them a mini lesson on manners, but today was Christmas. Joshua took the basket and Raven tried her best to get the snow off her boots before taking them off. She felt Joshua’s eyes on her, as if he could see through her, like he had in the past. The blue eyes she once found peace in she would not surrender to, or reveal any hurts. He seemed to have cut her off, most likely since she wasn’t Amish, even though she considered converting. Obviously by Lottie’s many visits, the church controlled most everything in Joshua’s life.

“Can I see Susanna now?”

“Follow me…”

She walked behind him up the stairs and into Susanna’s room. Raven needed one of Susanna’s hugs; a hug that made her feel loved. But she was here to see Susanna, to lend strength, not take it. She bent over and kissed her on the cheek. “Merry Christmas. And just think, in the new year, you’ll have a new kidney, and a new life.”

Susanna was sitting up in bed as usual, unable to lay flat. So much water retention could fill up her lungs and she wouldn’t be able to breathe. She was as white as the snow, but reached for Raven’s hand. “
Danki
, dear one.”

Dear one. That’s what Eb called her…used to call her. She willed back tears.

“Raven, you seem upset. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I’ll miss our talks…”

“You have a phone,
jah
?”

“Of course. I’ll write down the number and you call me when you’re up to it.”

“Well, may not hear from me for a while.” She looked over at Joshua. “Did you tell her any details?”

“
Nee,
slipped my mind.”

“Well, I’m awful weak and talking tires me. Can you explain?”

“
Jah
,
Mamm
. Raven, she needs to sleep. Want to go downstairs?”

Susanna squeezed Raven’s hand. “I’ll call you.
Danki
for everything.”

“Everything?”

“Bringing the boys to me. I love them so.”

Raven kissed her cheek again, and said good-bye. When she got out into the hallway, the realization that she may never talk to Susanna again overwhelmed her. The woman who talked to her for hours about her faith, the woman who didn’t fear death, the woman that took in foster children just to love them….what if…what if…

“I know,” Joshua said. “We’re all asking the same thing.”

“Asking what? You can’t read my mind…can you?”

“Well, you’re thinking it’s the last time you might see
Mamm
. She’ll be gone for two months. She’d appreciate it if you called. She’s really fond of you…”

“I’ll call her. For sure.”

“We put her in the arms of Jesus and leave her there. It’s all we can do.”

Raven nodded. “I need to get back.”

“Let’s talk in the living room.”

Numbly, Raven followed him downstairs and took a seat in one of the Amish rockers, not wanting to sit on the bench with Joshua.

“Raven, what’s wrong? You don’t look
goot
.”

She looked over at the clock on the wall. Back and forth her emotions went, just like the pendulum. She took a deep breath, hoping to clear her mind. “I’m fine. What do you want to talk about?”

“You. You’re pale and seem so unhappy. Want to talk?”

She knew it was Christmas and Susanna was so ill, but she lost composure. “I’m not a doll to take down and put back up on a shelf when you feel like it.”

Joshua cocked his head back. “I don’t play with dolls.”

“But you do understand my meaning, though, don’t you?”

“Not really.”

Men!
“Let me explain then. I can’t be in your life one minute and out the next.”

“Raven, you’re not out of my life, unless what the boys tell me is true.”

“What?”

“That you’re engaged to Lawrence.”

Raven put up both arms in a huff. “It was a joke. The boys are always teasing.”

“Those boys are smart. Maybe they see something between you two.”

“Joshua, I don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t see that any of this is your business.”

He bent over and put his head in his hands. “I wish it could be…”

“Then why did you shut me out of your life?” she said, louder than she intended and lowered her voice. “Three weeks ago when Appleton burnt down you said you loved me, and then did a one-eighty, even though I said I would turn Amish for you.” She stared at the floor. “You acted like you didn’t care at all when the police came.”

“You were holding Lawrence’s hand.”

“He was there for me because he cares. Joshua, you don’t; it’s obvious by your reaction.”

“
Jah
, well, I meant what I said before…I do love you, but a big stone got stuck in the hay rake.”

Raven wasn’t sure what he meant, but obviously something was holding him back from seeing her…someone…”If you really loved me, nothing would hold you back. I see Lottie over here a lot.”

“Can we talk after
Mamm
and
Daed
leave? I’ve been mum about a lot of things because I don’t want to upset her. Only
Daed
knows…”

“Knows what? Is your
mamm
worse off than you’re letting on?”

Joshua looked at her, eyes tender. “Your love for my
mamm
is what I’ve always wished for in a wife…but…”

“Joshua, you didn’t answer my question. Is Susanna not going to make it?”

“Can you come over tonight, around nine, after the boys are in bed?”

“Sure.”

CHAPTER 13

Raven walked into Eb’s house, confused. She saw Eb was eating but he avoided eye contact with her and she took it that he didn’t want her around. “I’m going to go to the church; Lawrence told me I could always go there and I…I want to just sit and read my Bible today.”

“Okay.”

He didn’t ask her to spend Christmas with him. He obviously was a deeply prejudiced man. She went upstairs to get her Bible and the CD Lawrence gave her. She looked over at her rag doll, and wanted to take it. Every time she’d run away in the past, she took it. But she was twenty-four, and in a few weeks twenty-five. You are not a child anymore, Raven Meadows!

Raven left the doll on her bed and grabbed her Bible and CD and darted down the steps, not even saying good-bye to Eb.

~*~

The empty church mirrored her heart, alone on Christmas Day. She looked down and saw a bulletin of the Christmas Eve service on the end of the pew. Lawrence was pastor and janitor
and was most likely too tired to clean up the mess from Christmas Eve service. She looked behind her and saw more bulletins and round paper candle holders. After the candlelight service, church members were encouraged to take their candles home as a reminder that Christ was the light of the world. 

Well, she’d clean the church for Lawrence as a surprise; cleaning always made her feel in control. Feeling too emotional to read her Bible, she got up and started the task. She saw a wastepaper basket in the back of the church and then went searching row by row, picking up anything left behind. Candy wrappers abounded since Lawrence had made little bags of candy as gifts. What a kind man.

As she went through the church, Raven thought of the people who sat in their usual places, as if they were permanently marked. The Sarver family had her over for dinner after only two visits to church. Then the Ott family. What a jokester Carl was and his patient wife, Debbie, who sat each Sunday in the back pew, waiting for her man who was usually the last to leave, talking up a storm. The Rachuna, Wendle, and Taylor families all felt like family…but they weren’t.

Raven put the overflowing basket back in the corner, and sat down in the front pew. Lord, I don’t have a family. A real one. She
remembered her first impression of the town: something out of a Thomas Kinkade picture. How she had loathed the perfectness, and now she knew why. Each house seemed to smile, since it had love inside. A family. Something she didn’t have.

The back door opened and she jumped, afraid it was Brandon. But it was Lawrence.

“So, Miss Meadows. Why are you in church today?”

Raven saw the concern in his eyes, trying to hide it by being light-hearted. She was tired of being strong, always putting up a front. “I had nowhere else to go…”

Lawrence looked around the tidy church. “You didn’t have to, Raven, but thank you. I was going to clean today.”

“On Christmas?”

“Have nowhere to go either…was hoping to fly home to Colorado but couldn’t afford it, being as poor as a church mouse.”

“Maybe you need a raise?”

“It was a joke. A poor one, I guess,” he smirked. “No, I just decided this year to put the money into an African village. The cost of a plane ticket started a piggery.”

“A what?”

“A pig farm. So, here I am alone on Christmas, too. Want to go get something to eat?”

Raven had taken for granted Lawrence’s kind and gentle ways. She expected it from a pastor, but was now seeing him differently. She remembered having to go to church in foster homes, and some pastors weren’t very nice, some very arrogant. She smiled at Lawrence. “I’d love to, if any are open.”

Lawrence hit his forehead with his hand. “You’re right. Most places are closed for Christmas.” He jutted out his chin and scratched it. “You could come to my place. I can cook.”

~*~

Lawrence walked her to the car. “I had a great Christmas with you, Raven.” He bent down and kissed her cheek. “And I’ll talk to Eb. I don’t think he’s a prejudiced man at all. Like I said, Christmas brings back memories, and you never really get over losing a wife and daughter.”

Raven couldn’t believe what a nice day she’d had with Lawrence. She looked up sheepishly into his soft brown eyes. “I hope you’re right. I can’t live with a man who looks down on my heritage.”

He put his hand on her shoulder. “Why not ask Eb what’s bothering him? He may open up.”

“Okay,” Raven said, feeling so much better. She hugged Lawrence. “You’re such a good friend.”

He held her close to him. “I’d like to be more…” She didn’t pull away. “When are we going on a real date?”

“Soon…very soon,” she said, feeling the warmth of his arms wrapped around her.

~*~

Raven pulled into Eb’s place just long enough to tell him she’d be next door. She was late, promising Joshua she’d be over at nine. Susanna and Rueben would be leaving early in the morning. She’d just go over and tell Joshua it was better to talk tomorrow.

She pulled into the Yoder driveway and carefully walked to the side door. Buggy wheels made icy tracks in the snow and she was sure to step over them. Raven knocked softly, and saw Joshua come to the door. He put his index finger to his lips, and whispered that he didn’t want to wake anyone. It was ten o’clock, after all, he said.

“I’m sorry. Just stopped over to say we can talk tomorrow.”

Joshua staggered over to the kitchen table. “I was worried. Where have you been?”

Raven looked at Joshua’s eyes, which were rapidly aging. “I spent Christmas with Lawrence. Lost track of time.”

He stared at her for a while, as if struck dumb. He clenched his fists and put them on the table, twiddling his thumbs rapidly. “So, he’s your boyfriend now?”

Joshua looked ill, so she didn’t answer his question. Only sat across the table from him and grabbed his hands to stop his fidgeting. “What is it? Something’s wrong?”