How to Make Love All Night (and Drive Your Woman Wild) (And Drive a Woman Wild : Male Multiple Orgasm and Other Secrets for Prolonged Lovemaking) (24 page)

I think that one of the main reasons sex loses its spark is because of the way we all rush through the process. As far as I’m concerned, most people are having sex too darn fast.

It seems as though everyone is in such a hurry to get to the point of orgasm that they are missing all of the wonderful things that happen to their body, and to their partner’s body, along the way. If you want to make your sex life more exciting and more erotic, I think the very first thing you need to do is stop rushing. And that’s where sensate focus comes in.

Sensate focus techniques slow you down. They take you into your body and into your partner’s body in ways you have probably never experienced before. I think fantasies are wonderful, but fantasies tend to take us out of our bodies and into our heads. Sometimes, I think that can be the wrong direction. Personally, I think that what we really need to enhance our experience of sex is not more fantasy, 72 / BARBARA KEESLING, PH.D.

but a much bigger dose of reality. Sensate focus gives you that reality. It focuses your attention and your energy and lets you appreciate every single erotic nuance of your arousal and your partner’s arousal. To me, that’s the ultimate aphrodisiac.

Play by the Rules

Before we begin, you need to know the three rules of sensate focus:

RULE 1:
Pay attention to exactly where you are touching or where you are being touched. Try to stay as focused as possible.

RULE 2:
Stay in the here and now. Don’t think about what happened last week or what could happen next Thursday.

Try to let go of anything that is not happening at this very moment.

RULE 3:
Don’t put any pressure on yourself. If you’re working with a partner, don’t put any pressure on her either.

Sex therapists call this “nondemand interaction.” I will call the sensate focus exercises “demand-free” or “pressure-free”

exercises. There are no grades here, no good and bad, no right or wrong, just touching and being touched.

Preparing for the Exercises

From this point forward, I recommend you do all of the exercises in the book in a quiet room that is free from distractions. You are going to need a comfort-

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able bed (you may prefer a comfortable chair for the solo exercises). You are also going to need some K-Y jelly, baby oil, massage oil, cream, or other lubricant. Be sure to use a lubricant that does not irritate the genitals—for women, K-Y jelly is usually the safest choice. Keep a clean towel handy.

If you use condoms, have them by the bedside within easy reach.

You may find it helpful to have a clock to keep you from completely losing track of the time. If there is a telephone in the room, turn it off. If there are children in the house, they should be sound asleep or with a babysitter. The room should be lit according to your preferences, but I don’t recommend playing any music. You need to focus as much as possible on the sensations you are about to experience.

If you were learning these techniques at our offices, the setup would be no different. We provide a quiet room with a bed, lubricants, clock, towel, etc. There is no special equipment that is required.

Learning the Genital Caress

There are many different sensate focus techniques. For the purposes of this book, however, there is only one technique that you need to learn: the genital caress. You can learn the sensate focus genital caress with a partner (Exercise 4) or by yourself (Exercise 5). You are going to need about one hour for Exercise 4 and thirty minutes for Exercise 5.

74 / BARBARA KEESLING, PH.D.

Exercise 4: Touch of Heaven (with a partner) In this exercise, one partner will play the
active
role while the other plays the
passive
role. Then you will switch in the middle so no one feels shortchanged.

Let’s say that the woman is going to be the passive partner first. The first thing she needs to do is lie on her back and get very comfortable. She needs to take her time and get completely relaxed. This exercise does not begin until the passive partner is completely relaxed.

As the active partner, you are going to start slowly, gently stroking the front of her body for about fifteen or twenty minutes. The style of touching is called a caress. When you caress, you touch in a very, very slow, focused fashion. Because this is a genital caress, your stroking is going to focus primarily on her genitals, though it does not have to be limited to her genitals.

Slowly
start to caress her genitals with your fingers or mouth, touching both the outside and inside of her vagina.

Use lots of lubrication. Focus intently on the areas you are touching. Pay careful attention to what they feel like and what they look like. Absorb yourself in those sensations.

Remember that this is a demand-free exercise. You are not touching to please her or to turn her on. You are touching to please
you
. That takes the pressure off her and it also takes the pressure off you.

All your partner needs to do is lie still, relax, and feel her sensations. She should stay completely passive, with her eyes closed. She shouldn’t move. She should not try to reciprocate.

She should not

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talk unless you are making her uncomfortable. She needs only to let herself feel your touch. If she gets distracted, she needs to gently bring her focus back to where you are touching her. If you notice her body getting tense, lightly pat her on the leg as a signal for her to relax. Try to stay as focused as possible, deeply absorbed in touching her and the way that feels. If your mind starts wandering, you need to gently refocus your mind on the caress. It doesn’t matter how many times your mind strays. All that matters is that each time you recognize the shift, you bring yourself back to the exercise.

This is a wonderful technique for learning to relax and connect to your feelings. Your only goal is to get as much pleasure as possible for yourself while your partner is getting as much pleasure as possible for herself. If you find yourself getting mechanical or getting bored with your caressing, slow down. Chances are, you aren’t letting yourself really be in the moment.

TROUBLESHOOTING TIP: If you start rubbing your partner’s clitoris or trying to turn her on in some way, she will be able to feel the shift in your intentions. She is playing the passive role and is not supposed to respond in any way. So don’t try to change the rules. Stick with the program.

Now it’s your turn. Once you’ve played the active role for about twenty minutes, you are ready to switch roles. (Of course, you can take longer if

76 / BARBARA KEESLING, PH.D.

you wish.) This time, the man will be taking the
passive
role.

Lie down comfortably on your back with your legs slightly spread. Let your arms rest at your sides, or place them under your head. Once you have settled into a position, try not to change it.

Your partner will spend the next twenty or so minutes caressing the front of your body, concentrating primarily on caressing your genitals. I recommend she uses baby oil or some other lubricant you both like. She can caress you with her hands, with her mouth, or with both.

Your job is to stay focused on her touch, and how it feels.

Don’t move around and don’t talk. Let your partner explore the feeling of touching your penis and scrotum.

It does not matter whether or not you get an erection. A soft penis should feel as good to her as a hard penis, just different. She is only focusing on the sensation of touching you, not on your arousal (and not on hers). If you do get an erection, it is very important to understand that you don’t have to do anything with it. All you need to do right now is enjoy the sensations of your own arousal.

TROUBLESHOOTING TIP: Make sure your partner knows that her goal is not to turn you on. All she is supposed to do is touch you in a way that
feels good to
her
.

Don’t flex your PC muscle during this exercise. Don’t hold your breath. Just close your eyes, relax, HOW TO MAKE LOVE ALL NIGHT / 77

and focus on her caresses. If you become very aroused and you ejaculate, that’s okay. Just let your partner wipe you off and continue her caress. The important thing is that you don’t try to force anything.

If your partner senses that you are tensing up, she should signal you to relax by gently tapping you on the leg. The only time you should talk to her is if she is doing something that makes you uncomfortable. Otherwise, just release yourself into the moment and enjoy the sensations.

If you find yourself drifting off, gently bring your focus back to where your partner is touching you. It doesn’t matter how often you drift. Just practice bringing yourself back into the moment.

If you don’t have a partner, or if you prefer to practice by yourself, the sensate focus genital caress is still quite pleasurable. It is important to remember that this is not a masturbation exercise. It is a way of experiencing the many rich sensations of your own arousal. Ejaculation is not a goal. If it happens, that’s fine, but you are not trying to
make
it happen.

Your goal is simply to create and experience as much sensation in your penis as possible.

Exercise 5: Alone at Last (solo)

Lie on your back, close your eyes, and get very comfortable (you may prefer to sit in a comfortable chair). Using plenty of lubrication, slowly, gently touch yourself in a caressing way. You may want to start by touching your nipples or thighs, since both

78 / BARBARA KEESLING, PH.D.

are probably quite sensitive. Then slowly move to the genitals. Once you begin caressing your penis, do not use a masturbation stroke. Do not try to turn yourself on. Explore every crease and fold in the genital area. Take your time.

Remember that the most important thing is to stay as relaxed as possible and focused on the here and now. You are not trying to
do
anything except enjoy the sensations. If you have an erection, that’s fine. If you don’t, that’s fine too. But you should not be trying to give yourself one. This is a pressure-free exercise. All you want to do is experience the richness of your own arousal. If your mind starts to wander, gently bring your focus back to the sensations you’re experiencing in the moment. This may happen several times. That’s okay. Just keep bringing your focus back to the exercise.

TROUBLESHOOTING TIP: If you have thoughts like,

“I wonder if I’m really hard,” or “I wonder if I could give myself an orgasm,” you are thinking about your performance. That means you’re putting subtle pressure on yourself. Just stay with the sensations. That’s your only goal.

I suggest you do this exercise for at least twenty minutes, if not longer. Thirty minutes is ideal. Sometimes, in the absence of a partner, there is a tendency to rush everything. This defeats the whole purpose of sensate focus. Remember that the emphasis is on sensuality, not sexuality. Some men HOW TO MAKE LOVE ALL NIGHT / 79

feel a bit self-conscious during this exercise. This is very normal, especially if you are a man who does not masturbate often, or someone who tends to rush to the point of climax.

Don’t be concerned. Your discomfort should ease over time.

It Sure Feels Good, But…

The sensate focus genital caress feels pretty terrific. That’s reason enough to learn it. From this point on, almost every exercise in this book begins with this caress. That’s another good reason to learn it. But why is it so important?

The sensate focus genital caress lets you pay attention to your sensations without getting distracted. It lets you focus.

It lets you stay in the here and now. And it keeps the pressure off you and off your partner. You need to be able to do all of these things to master the art of male multiple orgasm.

We can talk and talk about the many benefits of the sensate focus genital caress. But you need some experience actually
feeling
it. That’s why I’ve included the above exercises. So enjoy yourself, repeat them as many times as you like, but remember that the pleasure you’re getting right now is only one of the payoffs.

C H A P T E R S E V E N

AROUSED AND AWARE

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Y
ou have to know where you are to know where you’re going. Unfortunately most men have a very limited awareness of their own sexual responses and they don’t always know what they are feeling or experiencing at the moment.

They know that something pleasurable is happening, but they don’t know exactly what that something is. They know that they’re aroused, that’s for sure, but they aren’t in touch with the subtleties of their own experience. This is very limiting, both for the man and for his partner.

This chapter teaches a man how to know what is happening to his body during the various stages of arousal. He will learn how to listen to what his body is telling him, and how to work with those signals to maximize both his pleasure and the pleasure he is giving his partner.

How Aroused Are You?

Ask the average man if he’s feeling aroused and what does he say? “Yes” or “No.” Ask him to describe his arousal and what does he say? Not a whole lot more. But talk to a multiorgasmic man about his arousal and you’re having a very different conversation. Multiorgasmic men are masters of their own arousal. They know the nuances of their erotic experience and take advantage of their sensitivity to prolong and magnify that experience. Ask a multiorgasmic man to describe his arousal and he’ll give you at least five pages, single spaced. He might even throw in a poem.

Sexual arousal is actually a very complex and sophisticated process. There are many levels of

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arousal, each having its own distinct sensations and intensity.

Some shifts are subtle, some are profound, but it is not a black or white thing. It’s a lot more like a rainbow. What we are going to focus on right now is learning to recognize and appreciate these different colors of the rainbow by becoming more aware of the subtle differences of each one.