Love Inspired February 2014 - Bundle 1 of 2: The Cowboy's Reunited Family\The Forest Ranger's Return\Mommy Wanted (7 page)

Now she understood faith. She understood pleading for peace and finding it in an overwhelming way. She now understood the strength that came from knowing there was a God and He had a plan.

It wasn't archaic; it was relevant. She was living proof. She had tried on her own to find peace, to forgive herself, to get through her daughter's illness. She'd been drowning until Lindsey begged her to go to church. Lindsey had found faith in a private school Jana had sent her to. A school she attended with the children of missionaries in Africa.

Jana took in a deep breath and focused on family portraits on the wall. She'd seen these same pictures years ago. As more grandchildren were born, as the children got older, pictures were added to the wall. Only Lindsey's progress had been frozen in time. There were pictures of Blake, but their wedding picture was gone. Left in its place were pictures of Lindsey as a baby, at one year of age and a picture of Lindsey at her second birthday sitting on her pony.

Their lives had stood still in time, stopped in Lindsey's second year. No one but Jana and a friend knew how difficult that year had been for her.

Jana swallowed a hard lump of regret. She felt someone walk up behind her. She turned and smiled at Myrna Cooper. Myrna touched her shoulder as she came to her side.

“Don't let regret swallow you up, Jana. We all make mistakes.”

“Not this big, we don't.”

“Oh, honey, you can't undo the past. You can only make the future better. Not just for Blake and Lindsey, but for yourself, too.”

Jana nodded, because she didn't trust herself to speak. The kind words, the kind expressions, would be her undoing. If she opened her mouth to answer she would probably cry. Myrna seemed to understand. Instead of pushing the conversation, she put names to faces, catching Jana up on new additions to the family and changes that had taken place.

“I have your wedding ring.” Myrna's words came at the end of the conversation.

“I'm sorry?”

“You left your wedding ring on the table. Blake was beside himself when he got home and you were gone. He picked up the ring and came over here. When he left to go back home he tossed the ring on the counter. I thought it best if I held it for safekeeping.”

“Myrna, I...” Jana didn't know what to say, how to respond.

“When the time is right, you'll know what to do.”

“I'm not sure what you mean.”

Myrna smiled at that. “You young people are so funny to an old bird like myself. You think you make your own destiny? You think that all of this happens by accident? I have one important bit of advice for you. Don't run. Stay and see things through.”

“I'm not leaving again.”

“But there will be times that you're tempted. It isn't as if this is going to be easy, living here, being thrown back into the life of the man you left.”

“No, it won't be easy.”

“Remember that you're not alone. You have people you can talk to. Including me.”

“Thank you, Myrna. I'll remember.”

Myrna raised a bejeweled hand. “That's Granny Myrna to you. Don't let this group get to you. Especially Mia. She isn't your biggest fan. Heather is running a close second in anger. They love their older brother.”

“I know I don't have a fan club.”

Myrna gave her a swift hug. “But you have friends. Now, I think we should go help set the table.”

She walked to the kitchen with Myrna. They put pitchers of water and sweet tea on the table and filled glasses while Heather and Elizabeth, Travis Cooper's wife, set the table.

And then she found herself seated next to Mia. Blake sat across from her, and Lindsey had picked a seat at the second table so she could sit with Jade. That left Jana stranded in what felt like enemy territory.

“Bought a plane ticket yet?” Mia scooped asparagus onto her plate and passed the serving dish to Jana.

“No, actually, I haven't.”

Mia smiled and took a few new potatoes before passing the bowl. “That's good. We all love having Lindsey back. Blake hasn't been this happy in, oh, ten years.”

“I'm sorry, Mia.”

Mia started to say something else, but Blake shot her a look that shut her up quick.

Blake turned his attention to Teddy, who had taken the seat next to his. Jana listened as the two discussed fishing and riding horses. They talked about Teddy's mom, because Teddy said she slept a lot.

Jana's heart got a little more tangled up as she listened to the little boy talk about the messy house, the cold soup for meals and a mom who could barely crawl out of bed. It all sounded so familiar.

Blake glanced her way, not smiling. Their gazes connected, and she knew she had to tell him what her life had been like before she left Oklahoma.

After the meal, Jana helped clear the table. Around her, conversations drifted; Sophie laughed at something Madeline said. Heather managed to smile and tell Jana about her new house. She was moving back to Dawson from Grove. Jana shared that she thought when the time was right she would find a house in Dawson and maybe a job. It was a simple conversation but it was a start.

When everything was cleaned up, Jana escaped out the patio door. Blake had disappeared into the family room with Teddy. Lindsey had followed Jade somewhere. Jana needed to breathe deep and clear her head. A few minutes later the door opened and Blake walked out. He stretched and then touched his side, grimacing.

“Are you okay?” Jana looked away from him to study the way the breeze caused the water in the pool to ripple across the surface.

“I'm obviously better than you are.” Blake walked up next to her. “I've talked to Mia. She'll back off.”

“She loves her brother and I hurt him. I think she has a right to be angry.”

“She takes it too far.” Blake stood next to her, his arm brushing hers.

“I really need to go, Blake. It was kind of your family to include me today, but maybe it would be better if the family dinners don't include the ex-wife who kidnapped your daughter.”

“That isn't what they think of you.”

“I think a few of them do. What about you?”

He looked down at her, studying her face, his hazel eyes more blue today, with hints of green and gray. “I don't know what I think anymore.”

“It probably doesn't help that you can't turn around without me being in what used to be your space.”

“I'm working through that.” He smiled a little, and in that smile she saw the old Blake. The shadows lifted from his eyes, from his expression. “I can bring Lindsey home after I take Teddy home.”

Teddy. “Blake, his mother. It sounds as if she needs help.”

He cocked his head a little to the side and stared at her for a long minute. “Why do you think that?

“Because I...” She closed her eyes, then spoke. “I'm familiar with the symptoms of depression.”

He took her by the arm and they started walking. “This sounds like a conversation we should have had a long time ago.”

They stopped after they'd walked a distance from the house. A big oak tree gave them shade and a light breeze blew.

“Your turn,” Blake said, studying her face with an intensity that made her want to take back what she had said.

“There's so much to say, Blake. I'm not sure if this is the time.”

“It seems like the time to me.”

“Okay. But it won't be easy.”

He shrugged powerful shoulders and he didn't smile. She knew it had to be said, but it hurt, just thinking about it hurt.

“Blake, I had a miscarriage.”

“What? When?” The word shot out, cold and hard.

She closed her eyes, unable to look at the pain in his. “Six months before I left. I didn't know how to tell you. I already felt like a failure, a fraud, and the miscarriage toppled my emotions. I didn't realize it at the time, but I think I developed postpartum depression with Lindsey, and the miscarriage threw me into a tailspin that I didn't see coming.”

For a long time he didn't say anything. His hand had been on her arm, but it dropped and he walked away. She watched him gather himself. His hand rubbed the back of his neck, and he stared out at the field. She gave him a minute and then she walked up behind him.

“I made one bad choice after another.” She wanted to touch his hand, hold it, but she didn't. She stood next to him, not touching him. “I know you might not be able to forgive me. I've had a hard time forgiving myself. But I thought you should know. Not because it's an excuse for what I did, but I just...”

“You could have told me.”

She nodded, because her throat constricted, and she couldn't get the words out.

“I'm not even sure what to say to you, Jana. I would have done anything for you. I would have walked on hot coals to make things right for you.”

“And I walked away.” She sobbed on the words. “I know.”

He looked down at her, his eyes a storm of emotion. “I'm not sure where to go from here.”

“We focus on keeping our daughter healthy. And we take it one day at a time.”

“I guess that's our only option.”

She turned and he walked with her. “I should go. You'll bring Lindsey home?”

“Yeah. Do you have anything in the house?”

So that's how they were going to play it? They were going to walk away from the pain and pretend as if it hadn't happened. They were strangers with a daughter.

“No, I left my purse in the car.”

Blake walked with her to the car. They stood there for several minutes, the breeze blowing around them, dust clouds kicking up across the field.

“I should go.” She finally managed to find words to release her from the moment that seemed to have them both frozen.

“Yes.” He reached to brush the hair from her face. “And, Jana, I'm sorry you thought you had to go through that alone.”

She was, too. The softness in his voice brought tears that she blinked away. And then he leaned in, taking her by surprise.

When his mouth touched hers, she forgot to breathe. He brushed his lips across hers, soft, tentative, before fully claiming her, his hands cupping her cheeks.

He ended the kiss, but he held her close, and she inhaled the familiar outdoors, leather and spice scent that was all his. It felt like coming home. But she knew it wouldn't last. He could comfort her for a moment. Maybe they were comforting each other, ten years too late.

But any moment he would remember what she'd done, and his anger would return. For that reason she pulled back. And she immediately saw it in his eyes. Regret.

“I shouldn't have done that.” Blake inhaled a deep, shaky breath. “Jana, I don't want to go back to that place where I spend years feeling like I have a big hole in my life.”

“I know.” She knew he wouldn't believe it if she told him she'd had a matching wound in her own life, the place in her heart that missed him.

He nodded, and she noticed his hand trembled as he brushed his palm across his cheek. “I'll bring Lindsey home later.”

She slid behind the wheel of the car, thankful for the support because her legs had gone suddenly weak.

Somehow she managed a quiet “Thank you.”

As she drove away, Blake stood in the driveway watching. She could see him in her rearview mirror, and there was something about that image that unsettled her.

She glanced back one last time, saw him wave then walk toward the house. The car kept going, putting more and more distance between them.

But this time she wasn't really leaving.

Chapter Seven

O
n Monday, Blake left work in the afternoon and headed for his place. He'd received a panicked call from Lindsey telling him the new foal looked sick. He asked her how she knew, and she admitted she'd been to the barn to pet her pony and give sugar cubes to the horses in the field. He'd told her to stay out of the stall and that he'd be there in thirty minutes.

He had checked the mare and filly late the previous night. The lights of the house had been off. He'd actually gone not just to check the foal but to talk to Jana. Because a kiss like the one they'd shared would be easy to misinterpret. He knew he was having a hard time putting the right label on that moment.

He pulled up to the house, but his gaze shifted to the corral where the mare grazed and the foal tried out new legs, prancing a little in the thick grass. Neither one of them seemed ill. He'd been played by a twelve-year-old. He grinned a little then swallowed the small grain of pride, because she'd have to learn that what she'd done was wrong.

As he got out of the truck Jana came out of the house. He reminded himself of the talk he'd been planning to have with her. There was nothing between them but a crazy past and a daughter.

Jana walked down off the porch, blond and delicate in a bright blue sundress. For years he'd brushed off the memories of what it had felt like to hold her. Now, because of yesterday, the memories were no longer images he could barely grasp. That moment of lost control meant he remembered that her skin was soft and she smelled like summer sunshine. And she tasted like honey.

He could pull himself out of those memories by remembering what she'd shared with him the previous day. A lost child, depression. After years of thinking one way about his disappearing wife, he now had to process this new information.

It was like trying to go to court without all of the evidence. That wasn't a good feeling in court or in life.

“I didn't expect you.” She spoke softly with that British accent that made her sound sweet, even when she was angry.

“Lindsey called to tell me the new foal was sick and I should come home as soon as possible.”

Jana smiled a little but then hid it with a frown. He grinned, because he'd had the same reaction.

“I'm so sorry.” She maintained a straight face. “I hope you weren't working on something important.”

“I was just finishing up. And I can see the mare and foal are fine.”

“I'll get your daughter for you. She's in her room.”

“I'd appreciate that.”

Jana paused on the steps. “Don't be too hard on her.”

“I don't plan on it.”

“No, I guess you don't.”

“Tell her I'll be in the barn.” In response, she nodded and headed for the house.

He headed for the barn. Might as well feed and take care of a few chores since he was there. He grinned again, because he knew the game Lindsey was playing. It reminded him of something his Granny Myrna would pull if she was in a matchmaking mood. But that didn't make it right. Lindsey had lied. He had to be the dad, and he was definitely out of practice.

He was checking the cattle when Lindsey showed up. He nodded in her direction and walked away from a heifer that had somehow managed to get cut. Probably an old barbed wire out in the field. He'd have to see if he could find it before some animal got tangled up good.

“You lied to get me out here?” he said to his daughter as they headed toward the barn.

She shrugged. She'd been sick, but that didn't mean she hadn't grown up along the way. He hadn't had time to prepare for this, for being a dad to a teen girl. There would be boys and cars, fights, everything that went along with raising a daughter. The thought of raising a girl in this day and age could bring down even the strongest of men.

Especially when his first inclination was to give her everything she wanted. Since he couldn't give her a whole family, couldn't give her two parents that were married and in love.

“I'm sorry.” She walked up to the stall. The mare had come in through the open door, her foal next to her. Lindsey stood on tiptoe to watch the horse eat. He realized she was barefoot.

“Where are your shoes?”

“In the house. She is pretty.”

“Yes, she is. Why did you tell me the foal is sick?”

“Mom is making spaghetti for dinner. Her spaghetti is the best, and I thought maybe you could eat with us.”

The mare raised her head from the bucket and grain dribbled from her mouth. The foal had moved in to nurse and was pushing against her side. What was he supposed to say?

Did the right words for this situation even exist?

“Linds, I know this is tough, but you have to understand, your mom and I are divorced. We're a family. You and I. You and your mom. But all three of us, we're...”

“But we're not really a family,” she interrupted. “I know. I get it. But you don't understand that I've been looking for you for years.”

He stopped her. “What do you mean, looking for me? I thought you didn't really know about us?”

“I knew I had a dad and if you were alive, I figured maybe you would write my mom. I always checked the mail, in case there was a letter. And I searched online. I dreamed about you. I wrote letters I couldn't send because I didn't know where you lived and I didn't know your name.”

“Then how did you look for me?”

“I remembered you on the horse and one time, a long time ago, I heard Mom talking to someone, telling them about my dad. I knew my last name was Cooper. I just didn't know where you lived.”

His heart broke in a million new pieces, and he pulled her close, holding her tight. He wasn't the only one who had missed out on years of being together, on moments they should have shared. School events, life events. They had both been missing each other.

“I'm here now.” He kissed the top of her head and she wiggled from his arms, brushing away tears.

“I know.”

“So let's make a deal. You don't have to come up with excuses to see me. You just have to call. If I'm busy with work, I'll tell you, and we'll make a time to be together.”
Make time to be together—
even to him it sounded lame. “I'm not sure how this whole father-daughter thing works, Lindsey, but we'll figure it out. And you can help me.”

“But I don't really know what a dad is supposed to do.”

He smiled at her and there was only one answer. “They slay giants, Linds. That's what they do.”

“Giants like kidney failure?” Her smile had faded and she looked away, her watery gaze focusing on the mare again.

“That was just a small giant. Dads are there to make sure boys you date act like gentleman, that broken hearts never happen and that flat tires get changed.”

She grinned up at him. “I'm glad you're my dad.”

“Me, too. And I'll always be here for you.”

“I'm sorry for the call and for lying to you.” She reached to pet the mare.

“I know.”

It wouldn't be the last time they had a talk like this. Even though she shouldn't have made the call, he was glad she had, glad they were together and glad he could have these conversations with her. These were the discussions he'd thought he might never have.

Behind him, the door to the barn opened, letting in a shaft of late-afternoon sunlight that sent dust particles dancing on the beam of light. Jana stood in that light, hesitant, unsure, the golden light framing her silhouette.

“Everything okay out here?” She walked up to their daughter and put her arms around Lindsey, looking over her head at him.

“Yeah, everything is fine.” He winked at Lindsey and then smiled at Jana, even though it wasn't easy. “I hear you make pretty decent spaghetti.”

“So I've been told.” She looked unsure as her eyes sought his. “Do you want to join us?”

“If you don't mind.”

They walked to the house together, Jana a little off to the side, Lindsey holding his hand.

“Do you like French bread?” Lindsey asked as they walked up the steps of the house and through the front door.

“Yes, I do.” He held the door open for his daughter and Jana.

“Mom makes the best.” Lindsey smiled at her mom, obviously overlooking the tension between her parents.

Blake looked at his ex-wife. “You bake bread now?”

“And homemade spaghetti sauce,” Lindsey added.

Pink crept into Jana's cheeks. “I've had a few years to learn to cook.”

“Mom couldn't cook?” Lindsey had hold of his hand again and was leading him to the kitchen.

“No, I couldn't.” Jana lifted the lid from a pot on the stove and stirred. “I had never cooked. It made for some interesting meals.”

“Interesting?” Blake laughed an easy laugh that felt pretty good. “I remember something with sausage and chicken with vegetables in macaroni and cheese?”

Jana filled a second pot with water and put it on the stove, turning the burner to high. He watched, sitting at the island, his daughter next to him.

“I just knew that you liked pasta and meat. Your mom told me if I could fix pasta I'd make you happy. I had no idea how, so I bought macaroni and cheese, followed the directions and threw in some meat and peas, I think.”

“Yes, the peas. I'd forgotten. I think you also put some boiled eggs in it.”

“It wasn't horrible.”

He smiled, remembering how she'd cried and he'd tried to eat the gunk on his plate. “It wasn't horrible.”

And then they'd made up, and that hadn't been horrible. They'd eaten at the Mad Cow a lot after that. Or he'd cooked on the grill. They'd found ways to overcome her lack of culinary skills.

They did have good memories between them, he thought. He'd just chosen to forget them. He'd worked on forgetting the woman who had broken his heart. And now he didn't know her. She'd become someone else in the years since she'd left.

Maybe the woman she'd become was a woman he could admire.

* * *

Jana sliced the bread, trying to forget those early years when she'd always felt like a failure. She didn't want him to know that after she left she'd bought a cookbook with nothing but pasta recipes. She had taught herself to cook something other than chocolate pie, the one thing she'd known how to fix for him. Granny Myrna had taught her to make that pie.

“Jana?”

She looked up from the bread she was slicing. “I'm sorry. I got lost in thought.”

“Do you need me to do anything?”

She shook her head, “No. I have everything ready. I'll cook the pasta and we'll be ready to eat. Lindsey, do you want to get the salad and dressing out of the fridge?”

Lindsey hopped down from the stool, flinching as she landed. Jana glanced from her daughter to Blake. Worry tightened in her chest, burning there as she watched her daughter.

“Lindsey, what's wrong?”

“I'm fine, Mom. It was just a twinge.”

Blake was on his feet next to her. “Go sit down. I'll get the salad and set the table.”

“Dad, I've got this.”

Jana added the spaghetti pasta to the boiling water and stirred it to keep it from sticking. “Lindsey, sit down. A long day is a good reason to rest.”

Lindsey huffed her dislike and went to the table, pulling out a chair and plopping down. Jana left the spaghetti to boil and she touched her wrist to her daughter's forehead.

“You feel warm to me.”

Lindsey moved away, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears. “I'm fine. Please don't do this. Don't panic every time I cringe, or even feel a little sick. I'm not rejecting the kidney.”

“Maybe not, but we have to be cautious.”

“I know, but I don't want you to freak out every time something happens.”

“I promise I'll try not to.” Jana glanced toward the stove. Blake was stirring the spaghetti. “I'm going to finish cooking our dinner and then we'll take your temperature.”

“Okay.” Lindsey brushed away a tear. “But I'm fine.”

Jana hoped she was fine. She wondered if the fear of kidney rejection would ever go away. Would they live each day, wondering if something would go wrong? Or would they learn to relax, to just trust God and accept the gift of second chances?

She took the long spoon from Blake and moved him out of the way. He didn't comment, but his arm slid around her waist and he gave her a quick hug, tugging her against his side just briefly before he walked away.

After he left her side she let a few tears fall, blinking to keep the storm of emotion at bay. How could she stay here, loving him and knowing he would never really let her back into his life?

She knew the answer. She stayed for her daughter. She would do anything for Lindsey, even stay here with Blake in her life but not really in her life.

A few minutes later they sat down to dinner together. Lindsey, Jana and Blake. Jana took the hand Blake offered and reached across the table for Lindsey's hand. Blake held their daughter's other hand. They bowed their heads and he asked a blessing on the food, on their lives and on their daughter's health. Jana closed her eyes tight, fighting the way she ached deep down inside.

Blake released her hand. She looked up and somehow managed a smile. She even managed to eat and to have conversation that seemed normal.

All the while her gaze kept straying to her daughter's pale face. Worry needled her, making her doubt everything.

“This is really good.” Blake took a second helping. When she looked at him, he grinned. “I mean it.”

“You told me the macaroni and cheese gunk was good, too,” she reminded.

“I didn't mean that.”

Lindsey stirred the spaghetti around her plate. It was her favorite. Jana reminded her of that, and she shrugged.

“I think I'm going to go to bed,” Lindsey finally said, standing up from the table with the barely touched plate of spaghetti.